( Announcer ) tonight's mr. Show with bob and david
Is being broadcast live from the la questa resort
In scottsdale, arizona,
As part of the globo-Chem corporation's
Yearly "get motivated weekend."
Three days of business awareness intensives,
Trust exercises, motivational entertainment,
Drinks with touring golf professionals,
And late-Night hot tub sessions
With touring golf professionals.
( Emcee ) and now,
If we could please all put our hands together,
And welcome the motivational humor of bob and da...david.
Wow !
All right !
Awesome, this is great.
We have got a comedy show tonight
That's going to help you laugh your sales
Right through the roof !
You bet we do, bob.
Goodness, david, why are you so tired ?
I was up late last night, drinking with mr. Oliveri.
Well, let me tell you something,
You think you're tired,
This morning i challenged jane smales in human resources
To see who could go through the most diets in one day.
Who won ? She won.
Of course, she won !
That's great !
So, david, how come i didn't see you at the tug-O-War ?
Oh, i wanted to, but i had to bow out
Because they put me behind jeff teasdale.
T.C. !
Right, now, why would that make you quit ?
Because his adult diaper broke and i slipped in his shit !
( Audience applauds )
Well...
Well, i'll tell you,
I would certainly love to hear more of your stories,
But i have to go screw larry taley's wife, sally.
Wait a second, so do i !
( Larry ) wait, wait, what the fuck ?!
You're making jokes about my wife !
Well, you guys asked us to tailor our performance for you.
That's what makes these corporate gigs so fun.
My wife is fucking around ? Who told you that ?
The same guy who told us
That jeff teasdale is incontinent.
Yeah, i think his name was carl peters.
Carl peters told us.
That fucker ! I'll kill that son of a bitch !
Okay.
Well, let's get started with our
First act of the evening.
We have got somebody who you're going to recognize
From his numerous t.V. And movie appearances.
Please welcome josh fenderman,
And "honesty in motion".
Whoo !
* is this who you think i am *
* who you want me to be *
* am i your dream maker *
* why can't you let me be me *
( Narrator ) the road to the top was a rocky one
For josh fenderman,
And he had no idea it would lead to the bottom.
By the time that he was 12-Years-Old,
Josh fenderman was one of hollywood's toppest young stars.
Commercials like this one, for frankie p. Cheesewinkles pleasure factory
An arcade and pizza place,
Catapulted him into the upper echelon.
It's pumpkinninny !
America fell in love with the young boy
Who made faces like he couldn't believe what he'd just said.
Nobody knew his name,
But what his parents knew was that they had a hit on their hands.
People say his father and i took advantage of josh.
What they don't realize is,
For the first five or six years of his life, he made no money at all.
Zero. We paid for everything.
Finally we were getting a return on our investment.
What was once a whiny little baby
Was now a money bag with teeth.
And then josh got the call every actor waits for.
Director sol stevenberg was widely acclaimed
As the best thing to come out of hollywood
Since sliced bread, not to mention its sequel,
Sliced bread ii, electric boogaloo.
Three of his six films were in the top 10 out of 12 of all time.
Sol tapped josh to play the lead
In his next blockbuster-To-Be, the goober patrol.
It was a role that would net him tens of millions
Of thousands of hundreds of dollars.
Josh was on top of the world.
And as he got older, movies like
Dumbbell university and tunafishing '87
Increased not only josh's popularity,
But also his bankroll.
We built a glass mansion on a hill
Overlooking a ghetto,
So the poor people could look up and be inspired by our wealth.
But even with all this right,
What the public didn't see coming was all the wrong.
By the end of the '80s,
Josh was flat broke.
Amazingly, josh doesn't condemn the hollywood party system for his decline.
There's only one thing i can blame,
And that's the money itself.
I didn't know how to spend this money.
It didn't come with instructions,
Or a manual.
I didn't realize that, if you exchanged it
For property or services,
That they would take it away for good.
And that's just what they did.
Josh took the kind of risk
He usually reserves for his acting,
Waging a lengthy court battle
Against the treasury department.
Just let me say this, all right ?
This money is gone.
I'm from hollywood, i make millions of dollars
Pretending to be other people.
But no one was pretending when they took this money away from me.
( Reporters shouting )
Josh won his case.
Forcing the treasury department to include a warning
On all newly minted currency.
After josh's success,
Several similar suits cropped up
In courthouses all across the country.
Oh, this is so sweet, i'll never eat it.
I missed you so much.
You missed me ?
I missed you.
Oh, hon, this has been the longest week of my life.
Let's never break up again.
No.
So, what'd you do all week ?
You mean, besides cry ?
I barely left the house. What about you ?
Well, i was depressed.
And, i tried to get my life together.
I signed up for a tex-Mex cooking class.
Oh, do you mind ?
No.
Since when do you smoke ?
Since this past week. Us.
You know, i've tried to quit a couple times.
I'm gonna quit.
Of course.
But now tell me, tex-Mex, now that's texas and mexico ?
Yeah, it's like a combin--
That's for embarrassing, jennifer !
She's been sitting at home crying
Since you stood her up at the alter, you piece of shit.
What was that ? Who's jennifer ?
Oh, it's nothing, it was nothing.
He's just mad because i didn't marry his sister, jennifer.
You got engaged last week ?
It was a mistake. Look...
No, no, no. I was at home thinking about us,
Crying,
And i cried so much, honey, that i got a headache.
Oh. Yeah.
And i went out to get some aspirin,
I met this girl named jennifer and we got engaged
And it was a mistake and it's over.
Just tell me about this tex-Mex class. When does it start ?
Well, not for awhile.
Excuse me.
I couldn't help but notice.
I was just sitting over...
You rock !
Okay.
Can you sign one. It's not for me !
Okay, thank you.
I was in a christian rock band.
( Stammering )
It's new wave mixed with a little rap.
This was tuesday.
And it's, you know...
So, just, tex-Mex, now tell me--
You judas !
For they that tear my people asunder
Shall not dignify the houses of the lord !
You are officially rebuked !
Honey, this is 2001, a new wave godyssy.
Oh, is this the jezebel you broke up the band for ?!
Harlot ! Whore !
Guys ! I'm not jennifer, okay ?
We only know you by your porn name, crystal knockers.
Come, brother.
For christ shall rise up and smite them and...
Jennifer was a porn star ?
No, no, honey, jennifer and crystal knockers
Are two different people. I never went out with crystal knockers.
She's a porn star.
We were both in this blow job competition.
Listen, tex-Mex, tell me--
You !
That is for embarrassing my girlfriend.
She's been in the shower for two days.
She says she'll be clean again.
Well, that's just crystal's boyfriend.
He's just mad because i beat her in the competition.
You gave people blow jobs ?
The most people.
That's why they have a drink named after me here.
They have a drink called "the todd hindley" ?
No, it's called, "the ultimate dick sucker".
But, honey,
Tex-Mex, now is that more--
You know this is really hard for me.
You said you were home crying all week.
I was, okay ?
But then i was born again,
And i joined that band,
And then i met jennifer, and
Then i quit the band and then jennifer and i got engaged,
And then i called that off.
Then, i lucked into that porn film.
Oh, god.
Well, what ?
I'm sure you did a few things that you're not very proud of,
Miss tex-Mex !
In the last week ?
No, i barely signed up for the class.
I just sat around.
You sat around inside alone for an entire week ?
Really, huh ?
Some of my friends took me to a male strip club.
They thought it would cheer me up.
( Fake laughter )
Yeah, that and tex-Mex !
Would you shut up about the class ?
It hasn't even started yet !
Yeah, well, it's okay,
Because i forgive you.
For what ? Forget it, i'm leaving.
No, honey, don't, don't go ! Please, i don't want to go back to that life.
It was horrible, all those people kissing my ass, all the fucking and sucking...
( Gasping )
Honey, are you bleeding ?
Spicy mesquite sauce.
Tex-Mex.
I thought you said that class hadn't even started yet !
It was a one-Day intensive seminar.
You liar !
( Muttering prayers )
Guys, i'm back in the band !
All right !
( Continue muttering prayers )
( Car horns beeping )
( New wave music playing )
* we are praying machines *
* praising all day
Heavens to betsy,
I've invented the praying machine !
Oh my stars and garters !
( Pounding bass )
Damn them, lord !
( Band member ) no, lord, don't do it.
It's just what they want.
* baa, baa, black sheep, have you any hate *
* yes, i, yes, i, sealed my fate *
* baa, baa, black sheep *
Wow, that's me, marilyn monster.
Hi, i'm larry turnour.
You know, when i first created marilyn,
I had no idea that people all over the world
Would fall in love with marilyn. I was just an angry teenager.
Who knew ?
That's why i created
Marilyn mozzarella's pizzarella pie parlour.
So, if you're watching this training tape, congratulations,
You're now a marilyn mozzarella fun-Ployee.
Marilyn mozzarella employees are fun,
Rebellious extroverts who make their own rules.
Uh-Oh, look at forgetful fred, here.
He forgot his evil zombie-Eye contact lenses at home.
That means a red card warning.
Two red card warnings means an automatic write-Up.
But that's all right, we'll get to that later.
For now, let's get to fun.
Fred is now serving
One of our delicious deep dish specialties.
And remember the other rule number one...
"Be nice ! Serve the first slice."
Mmm.
( Buzzer sounding )
Whoa, fred !
When will he ever learn.
When serving the first slice of pizza, remember:
The first slice you serve is determined by the placement of
The female furthest from the left of your serving arm.
Now, if she is northerly to the nearest fire exit,
The fourth slice clockwise is the first to be served.
If there are no female customers,
Then remember, always start at 7:00--
Not five ! Oh, fred !
If you forget,
A manager will be happy to remind you,
By issuing a green, level two punishment, like:
The bloody diapers
Alright, relax, fred, it gets easier.
Well, that's it.
That's all there is to it.
Now go out there and have yourself
A wild and unconventional good time.
And remember, at least 27% of your beverage sales
Must consist of alcoholic blended call drinks.
And remember the 16 ps to success:
Poise, personality,
Professionalism,
A positive mental attitude,
Impress the customer,
Primp always,
Positivity,
Please don't flush sanitary towels down the toilet,
Freeze plenty of ice,
Placate, posture,
Pomp and circumstance,
Pterodactyls, good dinosaurs to mention to kids,
Patriotism,
Pepper and professionalism.
Well, that's it.
That's all there is to it.
Now go out and have a good time.
Oh, but don't forget to break some rules.
But don't break any rules.
Marilyn, they're all ready for you.
Hey, thanks, jimmy.
Well, they're playing my song.
So, good luck, and see ya in hell.
Electrocution--
Alright, carl, you got your pardon. You can go.
( Sighing )
( Slurping sounds )
Okay, you're done with that. Throw it away.
And pull out now.
All right, folks, bar's closing.
Let's move it out.
I'm glad you made it down.
These guys, too. Take it easy.
Hey. Hey !
It's cool running into you after so long, man.
Yeah, you too, man.
Hey, i hope it's not another five years
Before we run into each other again.
Right, man, me too, yeah, you take care.
You too, all right ?
I will, man. All right.
Yeah, cool, buddy.
So are you...
Yeah, me too, this way.
Well, this is it.
Oh well, all right.
It was great seeing you again, man.
You too, buddy. Take care.
Yeah, goodbye.
Oh, yeah.
Goodbye, man.
You know it.
Wow, it has been a treat.
Yeah, it sure has been.
Well, you take it easy again.
You, too.
Where is the elevator ?
Stairs for me ! I need the exercise.
( Friend muttering )
Hey, you need a hand ?
No, it's just that it...
Godammit !
Got it.
All right, well, cool.
Hey, it's been a blast, you know ?
Yeah, yeah.
Goodbye.
All right, yeah, yeah, man, okay.
All right. Right back at ya.
Hey, you know, i hope it's not another, five years before--
( Car starts and drives away )
There he is.
Yeah, look at this.
I just need to get some...
Wait.
You know what ? I have a candy bar at home.
So...
I don't need... i'm just gonna take off.
Great. All right.
Hey !
What are you doin' ? What are you doing here ?
Getting some cigarettes.
( Inaudible )
Where is he ?
Where is...
I don't know where he lives, okay !
I just don't know !
I'm sorry, i'm sorry.
I'm gonna call the police right now.
No !
Buddy !
Buddy, no !
No !
Oh, god, no !
I never got the chance to say goodbye.
I did.
A lot.
Carl, you motherfucker !
Larry.
I know about the whole thing.
You've been fucking my wife.
Those two asshole performers
At the motivational weekend told everyone !
We didn't do it for fun, i swear.
Listen, we were making amateur porn films. I swear it.
Oh, my god !
It wasn't just the two of us. There were a whole bunch of people.
Your sister, my son, your dog.
That's it, you're dead !
Hey, mr. Peters, is there a problem ?
Hi.
This piece of shit has been filming him and his son
Having sex with my wife and my dog.
He has ?
Wait, i can explain. Shut up !
Are you taking credit for my work ?
No, he doesn't know--
I directed those videos. You merely starred in them.
You asshole !
Yeah, he is an asshole.
And who arranged for the international rights to be sold, huh ?
And dubbed them in his basement ?
Thousands of 'em hand-Mailed around the world.
You didn't !
No, no, i didn't, who did it, carl ?
Todd.
Todd, that's right. He worked like a dog.
Hey, guys.
Todd.
You bastard !
You mailed tapes of my wife having sex all over the world ?
No !
I mailed tapes of your wife having sex with carl
In your bedroom, right here in town.
Yeah, i know.
Wait a minute, that gives me an idea. What if ?
What if what ?
Well, what if we filmed you having sex with his wife
In different places, all over the world ?
You son of a bitch !
No, no, no, don't shoot it down so quick, people might like it.
It's sort of an upscale series of travelogue-Type pornos.
You fuckers ! You pricks !
You're tryin' to cut me out. You know i don't want to travel.
I said you want me to act in these porns, fine. But no travel !
Drop it !
Drop it, drop it, that's a good idea. We do it with backdrops.
Green screen, special effects.
I never have to leave town.
But it'll look like you're fucking my wife all over the world !
Right. Exactly.
( Wacky music playing )
All right, gang, thanks very much.
Scene is over and let's roll those credits, please.
All right, that's it.
Season's over.
Beat it.